Oh thank god, something finally went right - although I'm kinda queasy over the fact that we just fought a god. I'm pretty sure this is the sorta thing I definitely can't tell my folks, that I got rid of a god. Even a god of lust and stuff. Cause, you know, as much as they like me reading up on mythology, I think they prefer to believe it isn't real!

From what Rhia said, he really wasn't too bad of a fella, except for the whole making people practically into sex slaves cause they couldn't resist his will...no, wait. That's pretty bad behavior in my books. Taking him down was pretty tough - there was a whole rigamarole in which Wes and Gunn and I had to cast a spell - I kinda hate casting spells, it always makes me want to sneeze. Or maybe that was the stinky herbs Cordy was spreading everywhere? I don't see why magic needs all that junk, it seems to me that if you just do things properly, you could make substitutions and you wouldn't need all the smelly parts - I might have to burn the clothes I was wearing. ALthough come to think of it, I should probably ask Wes if doing that would cause some sorta other spell to happen!

Angel and Faith got pretty well thrown around and Faith dislocated her shoulder - I wanted her to go to the hospital but she looked at me like I was nuttier than a fruit cake and just made Angel pop it back in. You could hear the snap. Times like these I'm really glad I'm not on the fighting side!

Current Mood: exhausted

Oh god. After everything we did, everything we tried, it just wasn't enough. Sometimes it's not, I know that, but it doesn't make it any easier when we lose somebody. And that Brooke, she seemed like a nice enough lady - I know Cordelia's gonna be pretty broken up about it.

And Angel...every time he loses somebody he was supposed to save, it's worse for him, cause I sometimes thinks he forgets how many people he does save. Why, if it weren't for him, I'd still be in a hell that most people can't even imagine and he didn't just save me - he saved everybody that I've helped save since then. He does so much, all the time and yet it's never enough for him cause sometimes it seems as if all he can actually remember are the failures.

I wish I knew what I could do, to help. I wish I could say something but you know, I'm just not that good with the words - I can say 'em all, but most of the time people seem more confused at the end than when I started. So...I guess tonight's gonna be one of those nights that I just hold Wes and thank everything that I still have him, that we're still all together, because so many people just aren't.

Current Mood: sad

Wow. It's kind of hard to believe that just a year ago, Wesley proposed to me. And that somehow, in the middle of Apocalypses and disasters, despite all of the attacks from demons and weirdo spells that tried to come between us - that we managed to get married this year, and keep it going. Cause the one thing that never changed, no matter how weird things got on the outside, is how much I love him.

And this Christmas was just perfect. It's startin' to feel like everybody's got a family now, and we're all kind of coming together as one. I never thought I'd see the day that Taylor was allowed to be with Angel...heck, a year ago, Taylor didn't even exist. Or he existed but he was Dylan and adult and then in another dimension and ok, that's not the point I was gonna make here.

I think the point - the point is that I'm happy. Even with all the things that keep happenin', all the evil we have to fight, we're still all alive and we're still together and that - that makes this the happiest Christmas of them all.

Current Mood: happy

Oh my god. Oh my GOD!

I did it. I DID it! I figured it out. I sampled Faith's blood and analyzed the strange chemical compound I found in it. Once I was able to isolate what the substance was, I went ahead and did a theoretical reverse engineering of what could have caused that kind of reaction and figured out how to get it to stop and then...piece of cake. I just went ahead and designed an serum that would bond with the toxins and render them harmless...in theory, the next time Faith, um, you know. Used the facilities? It would all wash out and she'd be fine.

It was trickier with Angel because he doesn't...you know. But at the same time, his body's more used to fighting off anything weird, cause it's not like he normally gets sick. So eventually his body's gonna break down the weird compounds and just...they go away. It's really mystical and um, I hope it works.

But Wes took the list of things I told him I needed and sent Gunn and Cordy out for supplies, and then I made the serum today and administered it and ... Faith is already getting color back in her cheeks and is talking about how she's ready to get out there and kick some ass. I'm gonna have to watch Angel for the next few days. I think extra blood will help - Faith volunteered but of course it's not exactly the best time for her. But I'll donate a little and we'll see if somebody can get to the butcher later tonight as well.

But they're going to be ok!

Current Mood: excited

Gosh, I look up from my books and it's surreal - Faith and Angel are both acting really tired and looking pale. Well, Faith, anyway - it's not like I can really tell if Angel's pale or not, although the fact that his skin had a little bit of a greenish tint, that's new. I wonder what could cause that? Do vampires have bile? Why do I ask myself questions that there's no way I want to know the answer to?

They both even took the night off, and for once it wasn't about, um, you know. The other kind of taking the night off that they've done in the past. I'm starting to get a little worried. Wes still isn't up to dealing with patrol, so that's an awful lot to fall on Gunn - I volunteered to go with him but he said 'nah, that's cool, I've got it covered'.

I went ahead and gave Dylan a call, let him know that we're a little light on the patrol side - he said that they've got a thing tonight - I can't believe I forgot it was Gia's birthday. If I even knew? Did I know? - but that Connor was going to go out afterwards and he'd do a few extra sweeps.

I hope Angel and Faith are better by tomorrow. Otherwise I'm afraid that Wesley will insist he can 'do his part'. If they're not better by tomorrow, maybe Cordy would like to go on a sweep with me...between the two of us, we shoot some pretty mean crossbows.

Current Mood: restless

I can't believe it - it looks like both Faith and Angel are at their normal, full strength and not needed to run to Sunnydale to split forces or cover for somebody else and ... I just can't remember the last time it's happened. I can actually relax. I can do some research on string theory that has been in the back of my head ever since I got back from Pylea, only I never had a moment when it didn't seem like I'd have to be either being backup on patrol, or hold down the fort at the Hyperion and coordinate efforts.

It's just so exciting, I've been spending hours researching every day and I'm learning so much and I really think that maybe this time I've made a breakthrough! And not the kind that'll open up a swirly pit into some demon hell, but the sort that could get me a fellowship!

It's kinda weird though, I mean, I've always loved science but it's been so long since I've been just...overwhelmed by it. It's practically all I've been able to think about the last couple of weeks, I have to force myself to do anything else.

I wonder if Angel could get his hands on this species of demon I read about that exist on multiple dimensions at the same time, I think they're Flagites or something like that, I'd need to ask Wes. But I bet they could tell me some marvelous things about reality perception.

Current Mood: excited

Ok, not weirded out, right? I mean, consenting adults and everything and I definitely am not going to be castin' any stones and stuff, but I have to say I'm really sorry that I said I'd man the Hyperion while they were out fightin', cause they musta got hit by some serious magic, the way they were, um, rubbing all over each other.

Oh god, not that I mean I wished that I'd been hit by it, too! I mean, I wish I would have taken the night off, done some research on string theory and, um, not seen...what I saw when they got home. Because, because..

I've been avoiding them all day and I'm not sure I'll be able to look any of them in the eye. Oh god, it's just so embarrassing! Ok, I think the lobby's clean - maybe I can run out and grab some dinner before they come back.

Current Mood: embarrassed

Ok, they're out there. I'm keepin' my self busy - I thought about offerin' to go with everybody and seein' what I could do to help, maybe provide support and cover with the crossbow. But by the time we did a full head count of everybody - I mean, people comin' in from Sunnydale even, if you call Spike people which sometimes I'm not so sure about. Which is odd, cause I never have that problem with Angel, but I guess it's all in what you know and I don't really...

Nevermind, that's kinda not important - what matters is there were enough people that I figured I'd just get in the way and the fightin' would get thick enough that there's not much I could do long range. So it made more sense for me to stay back at the hotel and coordinate any communication that was gonna come in from the field.

I feel bad, kinda, like I wanted to say goodbye to Stephen but couldn't because he doesn't really know me. It's hard to look at him and realize that it's not Connor that I'm seein' - it helps a little when he's standin' with Emily Anne but..still.

And Holtz. I feel awfully bad for him, even though I probably should hate him. Or should I? Cause this Holtz never did anythin', even if he woulda raised Connor if he'd gotten the chance and...these dimensional things are just really confusin'...just another reason I should avoid openin' portals. And I wish Dylan would listen to me and hold back himself but...

God, I wish somebody would call and let me know what's goin' on!

Current Mood: anxious

Oh thank goodness, Faith's got her abilities back cause I really wasn't sure if she was gonna make it. I'm used to Faith when she's feeling edgy and sharp and goes out and beats some demons up until she feels better, that's a Faith I can deal with. The Faith that was sinking into herself and wouldn't talk to anybody and just...

I know what it's like to feel helpless and there's nothing worse than that and I never had the powers that she had...I just can't imagine what was like for her and the not knowing..when she'd be herself again, when she'd be able to defend herself from everything we deal with. So the fact that it's over, that she's back.

Plus I gotta confess, I feel safer knowing she's out there on the streets again. Never knowing when Wesley would volunteeer was scary and I tried not to let it show but he's human and that's - it's hard to deal with, knowing how close it was.

And with Angel back fighting with the team instead of against us, I know we've got a shot.

Of course, I've got my own stuff goin' on cause I guess Dylan found some scrolls that might just have the answers and there's some physics in there that he can't make heads or tails of, even though it's pretty elementary - he really does need to be gettin' back to school, I'm thinkin'. But he and Wes have asked for my help and - it's good to be needed.

Current Mood: energetic

I'm worried, just about as worried as I've ever been and we all know that with one thing and another that that's pretty bad. We've got some guy named Eligos trying to take us down and...and almost succeeding against Wes.

Oh my god, if I'd lost Wesley I don't know...I don't know how I would have gone on, if...if Eligos had succeeded. Wesley's been the one thing in my life that's been stable, that's always been there, no matter what else happened. And he was nearly...nearly gone and it's really hard for me to face.

Particularly when I don't feel like there's anybody I can talk about it with - not with Wesley still recovering, and I couldn't stress him about this, not after everything else. And Angel's gone completely nuts, he's out there all the time and I understand his need for vengeanance, cause I share it and if I had Eligos right in front of me, he wouldn't be in one piece for very long but we can't do this, not apart. We're a team and we work together and Angel's still closin' us out, even Cordy and...it's so hard.

Gunn's been followin' him everywhere, tryin' to keep Angel from going to far, doin' something he can't pull back on. He's got the tranqs and I know he's not afraid to use 'em. I'm just afraid he's gonna have to.

Current Mood: worried